The Very First Time Realizing I Want To Change!

I'm very sorry for my use of words. I swore a lot during writing this note because i was disappointed in myself for a while. And i had to write this note just to figure out why i was feeling dead. You know..to solve my own problems of becoming a new me. The Teen struggles you can say..

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The biggest enemy i've ever confronted is my fucking dumb self :)

Every day, one to another, crying over, in and out, up and down, got depressed, now and then, got discouraged...like all my life-time baby :DD

I lost my mind, like almost everyday, when the sun rises, i get up with the energy that can shake the earth to the core! And then 30 mins after the dynamic getting up, my laziness burnt fast and i went down like a Mustang with its incredible speed. Soooo fast!! :)))

I usually wonder that.. at the end of today, what shall be the shits that i could do or actually achieve? I wonder and wonder over and over. Only until my head hurts or i fall asleep again :))) funny how one human can be self-destroying like that! That's the fastest way to destroying one's self i know so!

So what exactly that i still have to fight for everyday?

It's my fucking scared soul!

That's right, i'm afraid, i'm scared, like any loser i can think of in my mind right now! OK, yuck! I know! But why should i be scared of things i've never done before? Things that never or never would probably happen to me?

More percisely, i'm afraid to be stupid, to look stupid, to act like a fool in front of other human beings, to be mistreated, to be an outcast. Honestly, i didn't have the gut to sacrifice my face just to live my own fucking life! That's clearly why i still have to fight just to get up and live like...EVERY FUCKING DAY!

Guess it's clear now! That i HAVE TO CHANGE! And in order to do so, i knew for a long long time that i have to give up somethings that still exists like a strong string between my characteristic and my sufferings. I know i needed to get rid of my selfish feelings to be free. But i didn't dare to change myself.

I was afraid to learn, to be another person, to be a better me! I'm afraid that i will be lost. I'm not used to new things including myself!

Now i have to learn this lesson the hard way. I guess it would take time anyway but now i have to keep practising this way of thinking!

Colorful images! Cool and exciting experiences using the same technique over and over again. 20 hours!

I will

I can

i know i can be a better verson of myself! Just don't let myself afraid of anything before i got my goals!

#changingmyselfisnteasy